2023 has been a year of first anniversaries.  The beginning of the year was bleak for me.  I cried frequently uncontrollably.  I am lost without you.  Desperate for you to come back to me.  Still feel your presence in the home but you are not there.  Just your possessions and affairs to be sorted out.  I visit you weekly sometimes more at the cemetery and tidy your grave and bring planted containers as you so loved our garden.  Loving words are on your grave for reading and remembering what a very special person you was.  A sculpted metal soldier stands in battle dress, tin helmet and gun, with head bowed in acknowledgement that you were an army veteran who saw active service in Cyprus.

It is just a small grave containing an oak casket with your ashes.  Your bodily remains of a life that reached the end of the road.  I hope your spirit continues on, free from earthly incumberence, to look down and be of comfort to those who loved and miss you.

This first year special occasions came and went - Easter time, your birthday, Remembrance Day for armed forces here and for those who patriotically died preserving our country and world peace. The anniversary of Holly's and your death so close together, and your funeral and interment are painfully remembered.  Cards from others with kind words in remembrance of you have been received.

And as my birthday - when we said our final goodbye, and Christmas approaches - a time you loved, the ache in my heart and sadness increases with your absence.  It has been a difficult, emotional year and I remain broken.  Miss you in every way. The warmth of your body, your voice, your laughter, your skills to make and repair things, working in the garden, trips together in the car and eating out which you particularly enjoyed. These are my main memories but many more are floating in my head.  People say time will heal, but a year on my darling, I miss and grieve for you as if you had departed today.

Every night I cry for you, every day I think of you, every week I visit you, months go by and then a year. The pain does not dim. I want you back again.  God bless you my sweet darling for our life together.  I miss you so much!

Carol